Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
