I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
