its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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