Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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