PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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