considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
