I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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