Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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