Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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