Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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