I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I stole a fireplace last night.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
