he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
