Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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