Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
