Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
