just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
