She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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