they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
