this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
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