party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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