dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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