Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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