The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
