I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
last night I used snow as a chaser
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