Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
