The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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