so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
