Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
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