i just had sex bonerless
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
