I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
