well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
