I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
