If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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