I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
