he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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