I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
