after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
