it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
