I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
