Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
