We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
