My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
