yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
