I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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