My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
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