Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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