I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
