cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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