Got a toothbrush?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
