So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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